Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
